Student Coup Fails to Oust Justin Soloman From ASUN Presidency

Students clashed with campus security forces Sunday during protests against the administration of ASUN President Justin Solomon.

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Hundreds gathered in the Union to demonstrate against Solomon, who has held office for just under one year. According to sophomore art history major Nikki Stoops, the students of UNL were simply fed up with the “despotic regime.”

“I’ve been watching a lot of MSNBC the last few weeks,” Stoops explained as she downed a Venti Cinnamon Dolce Frappuccino Blended Beverage, “and I think they really inspired us to fight back against our own oppressors. We’re like Tunisia over here – Justin can’t keep us down any more. And have you heard about Libya? We’re toally like them, too.”

Asked to give specifics about why she considered Solomon a despot, Stoops explained that she had not voted for Solomon, and therefore assumed that he had imposed his rule by force. She expressed surprise when told that the ASUN President was, in fact, elected by the student body.

“We get to vote for these people? When did that happen?”

Solomon was interviewed on the student-run radio station KRNU, particularly addressing the protesters who had stayed overnight in the Union.

“I really don’t know what everyone is so upset about,” he said. “I’m not going anywhere for the moment, but I have every intention of leaving my office as soon as the Action Party representatives are officially elected. The fact that these guys are all ASUN senators already, and that it’s sort of pointless to run on an outside party because they’ll never get elected, is totally… wait, shit. That bit is kind of like Egypt. That’s embarrassing.”

Junior music major Jason Lenz, one of the protesters, also accused the University of suppressing free media on campus.

“When I see someone come into my class with a copy of the DN… I just want to tell them to put that shit away,” he said outside the Union on Sunday evening. “I assume that the reason they have such crappy content is because the man is keeping them down. It’s the only explanation, in my studied opinion.”

As of press time, the protests showed no signs of abating. Solomon issued a final plea for sanity.

“You guys, this isn’t Egypt. It isn’t Tunisia. You aren’t oppressed, and you aren’t impoverished due to anything ASUN has or, more often, hasn’t done. I’m not going anywhere. Now let’s all be reasonable and quit acting like we’re morons, or from Wisconsin. Thank you.”