Student Government Shuts Down Over Kegger Budget

As of Monday evening, the ASUN student government has shut down until the delegates can successfully reach a consensus on a proposed budget for their next house party. The shutdown occurred as a result of a proposal to buy a keg rather than designate the event as a B.Y.O.B. affair.
“We want to give every member an equal and fair chance to get absolutely wasted,” Treasurer John Mitchel told the Dailyer. “We need to look out for those less fortunate, specifically those freshman and sophomore members who are not old enough to purchase their own alcohol. Plus, it would be cheaper for everyone.”

While the idea of universal alcohol care for every party member was supported by many, a vocal minority expressed outrage at such a proposal.

“Subsidizing the cost of alcohol can only be detrimental to the success of this party,” Secretary Samantha Billings stated. “I understand the keg proposal would bring benefits to freshman and sophomores, but as far as I’m concerned, fuck the lower classes.”
“We shouldn’t be forced to pay for keg beer if we don’t want it,” Billings added. “This is socialism at its finest. First they’ll want to give every ASUN member a fair chance to get drunk, what’s next? Are they gonna want to give every American citizen access to affordable healthcare too? I think we have another Red Scare on our hands.”

As the deadline for a budget draws closer, with the party being held on Friday, ASUN members have been calling for a compromise between the two factions, with some even proposing a vote. Still, the political power struggle threatens to tear the student government in two. Freshman Malcom Bright feels a budget will not be reached in time to save the party.

“Honestly I don’t even give a shit anymore,” Bright said. “Have you ever hung out with anyone from student government? Fucking unbearable people. I’d rather stay home and do ecstasy by myself.”

As of press time, neither party shows any signs of compromise, showcasing their unbridled potential for the future positions in the U.S. government.