Story by Matt Sueper
The ballots have been cast and it has been determined that, in the Association of Students of University of Nebraska presidential election, the IMPACT party won and the general student body lost. 17% of the student body has spoken, and another year of political drudgery and pointlessness will be carried out this year by representatives from the IMPACT party.
Aside from needlessly capitalizing every letter in the party’s name, students will have to yet again suffer through another year not knowing what ASUN actually does.
“Isn’t it just a group of dudes that gets together and paddles each other biweekly?” freshman Tyler Yangst asked.
It is not clear whether or not the student body representatives in ASUN actually paddle each other on a biweekly basis, because no one can actually answer the question of what they do.
Additionally, different building ordinances must be updated to account for the newly elected. For instance, maximum capacity for campus buildings must be revised to account for the inflated egos of the victors.
Also of concern is the structural integrity of each and every doorway and entrance on UNL’s campus. ASUN representatives either need larger thresholds or a stable or other lean-to structure built next to each building to temporarily house their high horses.
“Now how much is this going to cost us?” questioned senior Nick Shroeder, a member of the 17% of the study body that gave a shit. “I knew I should’ve voted for those empty slots under the candidates.”
Students do have something to look forward to, though. Next year, students get to see talks between ASUN and the athletic department go nowhere, and they’ll even have a second smart phone app to ignore. Next fall, it will all be back to normal, and no one will even recall Fusion Party’s victory in this year’s election.