Studies find plant that waters its own goddamn self

The crafty botanical world shocked Lincoln scientists Tuesday morning as studies discovered that – wouldn’t you know? – there is a plant that waters its own goddamn self.

During usual morning routines at the Lincoln Arcadia Greenhouse, with botanists having to actually water expressionless and parasitic lifeforms, Dr. Darla Springsteen found a plant that – God forbid – took some initiative.

“I was just going down the line, watering these totally dependent, nigh-dead organisms with an elephant watering can, thinking ‘Here goes a whole two minutes out of my day for something that won’t even thank me,’ when I saw at the end of the table a plant watering itself,” Springsteen said.

This ambitious and responsible plant, which is a thin ficus with a frame Atlas would be proud of, somehow – believe it or not – provided itself with water right in front of Springsteen during that first encounter, and many others throughout the morning.

“It’s like it knew how crushingly inconvenient watering plants can be when you have important things to attend to,” Springsteen said as she folded the wings of her origami crane, her cigar’s smoke clouding the greenhouse air. “Look at the rest of ‘em, sitting there silent, lazy and conducting photosynthesis without considering the fact that time’s burning away.”

When asked for a rebuttal, the fellow ficus and fern plants in the greenhouse did not reply, their trunks quiet as they leeched off of water and fertilizer given, not earned. Their superior also stood silent, but did so stoically as it still watered and fertilized itself and even tried constructing a makeshift lamp from light bulbs and sheet paper in order to create its own sunlight.

“Stupid plants,” Springsteen said, crunching loudly on a Bugle as she leaned against the bench. “The time we spend watering them. They should learn from our rockstar over there.”