Stunning: Simple tie transforms lazy slob into workaholic

Lincoln residents were witness to a miraculous occurrence last week as local hermit Rodney Howard completely transformed himself with just a simple tie.

Howard was once an infamous slob tumbling down a dark road without a means of escaping it. The bum was known to never seek out a job and to eat with his mouth open while spilling grease onto his unwashed button-up.

Once the man-with-the-earwax-aroma bought a discount $10 rose-red tie and hastily tied it around his neck, onlookers understood just the kind of man he was.

“This guy isn’t a lazy good-for-nothing like we thought,” said resident Mark Wong, as he wrapped his arms around the new workaholic.

As he brought his arm back–wet from the sweat absorbed by Howard’s shirt–Wong smiled, admiring the dedication to personal tasks and work.

“He’s toiling in this godforsaken world like the rest of us–more so, in fact.”

Now aware of Howard’s relatable Average Joe spirit because of the spiffy tie, people began to admire the inspirational story of a well-dressed brash man. Howard was still prone to fits of rage and stealing, but that merely showed his undying rage and craftiness towards the sick, sick world.

However, some people were skeptical of Howard or weren’t even aware of the marvelous tie around the overachiever’s neck.

“So what? He’s still a piece of slag,” said Sarah Hein, Howard’s previous neighbor. “Oh God, here he comes to steal newspaper from my trash can and try to sell it back to me. What exactly is he working for if he’s a ‘workaholic?’”

Despite the doubts from the peons of society, The DailyER salutes Howard’s red (and now browning) tie and the working spirit it represents.