Move over Husker football prestige, there’s a new hallmark of pride for the University of Nebraska – Lincoln and it comes with your choice of fresh toppings. Chancellor Harvey Perlman announced last week that the revamped Nebraska Union will include a Subway Pizza Express—the beloved, immaculate, dough-tossing treasure that is SUBWAY PIZZA EXPRESS.
“I said to myself, ‘Harv Dawg, you’re slipping. You’ve gotta pump more gusto into this institution,’” recalled a hyped Perlman. “I had to do something big, something bold. So I pulled many strings, budgeted heavily, and BOOM! I’m bringin’ SPX here, bitches!”
Already, the atmosphere around campus is electric, as school spirit seems to be gushing profusely from every possible orifice. Students have started purchasing the ‘UNL-SPX’ merchandise which has recently been made available at the official team store.
Some Huskers, like freshman Austin Mackel, feel the monumental move helps put the daunting cost of college into perspective. “All the tens of thousands of dollars I’m spending here…it’s so incredibly worth it now” Mackel told the Dailyer. “I can brag and say, sure, I’m a broke college kid, but at least my campus has SPX motherfuckers, and I get to spend my hard-borrowed money there! God bless America.”
In a follow-up conference held yesterday, Perlman admitted that the launch of a Subway Pizza Express was in fact the sole reason for the entire Union renovation.
“It’d just be dumb not to spiffy up the rest of the building now,” reasoned project manager Joel Biscayne. “That’d be like hanging the Mona Lisa up on your fridge next to your kid’s shitty macaroni art.”
As the campus braces itself for the rush of sandwich chain pizza glory, it is safe to conclude that Husker Nation is just jazzed as hell.