Everyone agrees that the best part of Thanksgiving is the hours of small talk with relatives, but with so much to talk about, it can be hard to choose a topic. Here are a few suggestions for every person and situation you’ll encounter.
Saying you never clean those bones as well as you should, your dad forbade you from leaving the table until you got some more meat off of those chicken wings, sources reported Friday. “I paid a pretty penny for those wings,” said Dad. “I’m not about to sit here and watch you waste all that […] Read more
Celebrating her one year anniversary of membership in Gamma Phi Beta, sophomore biology major Olivia Shaw spoke on Monday about how, for the first time, she has been able to experience a true community of sisterhood, disregarding her years of close friendship with her actual sister, Becca. “Before I joined Gamma Phi, I didn’t really […] Read more
In a city plagued by hulking sweaty beefcakes, there is one area in Lincoln where the juiced up muscle heads make up the entirety of the population: the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Campus Recreation Center.
Traversing this traitorous terrain, one will find brutes lumbering from contraption to contraption, lifting, stretching and grunting for no apparent reason. This amalgamation of noise and stench amounts to what one can only describe as pure and utter chaos, which begs the question: is the Rec Center really a good place to raise a family?
Disregarding the group of innumerable chiseled titans perpetually stomping and screaming about the premises, one would be shocked to find that there are no suitable living areas for a family of any size at the Rec center. There isn’t a single bed, sofa, kitchen table or cupboard for your mom’s tchotchkes. Where is a child supposed to sleep? On top of one of those benches caked in sweat, dirt, and staphylococcus? Please, a child would sleep more soundly on the hard cold concrete sidewalk outside of the courthouse than on that filthy thing.
Another aspect of the Rec Center that insults its claim to being a respectable and safe area for raising a family is the gaping portal to the ethereal plane inside locker 487 in the men’s locker room. This interdimensional gate has recently let loose monsters of indescribable horror, who have been spotted playing racquet ball with each other and kidnapping small children to bring back to their world.
The monsters allegedly have hydrochloric acid saliva that can melt through most surfaces in the Rec. However, these hellish devil spawn pale in comparison to the sheer brutality of the common muscle jockey’s body odor. One should be much more fearful of the run-of-the-mill Rec resident than these extradimensional mutants.
The Rec simply cannot be considered safe and is by far the worst place to raise your family in the entire Lincoln area. Best stick to neighborhoods, Lincolnites.
Lincoln residents Marco and Jessica Thielsen began a brand new chapter in their lives last weekend, when they brought home a very special new device. After a long and strenuous day at Best Buy, the exhausted couple finally emerged, a brand new Apple iPad Air 2 swaddled in a plastic bag. “Marco held my hand […] Read more
In a record-breaking move, the Johnson family added nearly four dollars to their swear jar yesterday. The donations came after a lengthy dinner table argument over whether eldest son Matthew should be able to hang out with his friend Chad on Friday evening. The fight allegedly started rather innocently, with Matthew asking his parents if […] Read more