Teary-eyed issues starting to wonder if we really care about them

The issues, feeling left out of the conversation by this year’s presidential election, are starting to wonder if we really care about them.

“This was gonna be our year,” the issues said, gently dabbing tears from their eyes. “Now all we hear about is scandals and controversies and email servers and grabbing p***sies. And we’re just in the corner like, ‘Hello? Remember us? Education, health care, immigration?’ Next time we’ll just stay home, you know? We don’t have to take this shit.”

When the primary campaign began in 2015, it seemed as if America could look forward to a substantive campaign. Of course, no campaign is without its fair share of insults and negative tactics. But on each side, voters were asking tough questions about what kind of party they wanted.

“All that’s in the rearview now,” said Keenea Brighton, a UNL student and political junkie. “This election was gonna be a referendum on President Obama’s politics, on our country’s direction. Now it’s a referendum on being human garbage. I didn’t realize that needed to be voted on.”

The issues claim there’s one person to blame for the massive shift in tone. One candidate this year has found his way into more headlines than anyone else, reshaping the electoral map and changing American politics for the foreseeable future: Rand Paul, duh.

“We were ready to play a vital role, and then along comes that orange-headed blowhard, Rand Paul,” the issues said. “We may be more important, but as far as cable ratings go, we just can’t compete with him.”

The experts seem to agree.

“Decades from now, the historians and commentators will divide American electoral politics into two periods: pre-Rand and post-Rand,” said political analyst Clark Greggwold. “That’s just how significant his impact has been this year. He’s been the wildcard from the beginning, dominating the news cycle, controlling the tone. We will be grappling with his role in this for years to come.”

In the interim, the issues will be biding their time, waiting for their moment. But they won’t be holding their breath.

“You suck, America,” they said.