Thanksgiving turkey wishing it wasn’t pardoned this year


As Americans around the country prepare for their annual late-November feast, President Obama traditionally pardoned one Thanksgiving turkey as a sign of good will. However, Obama’s move wasn’t received as well as the public had anticipated.

This year, the pardoned turkey would much rather be roasted and sitting on the dining room table of a hungry family than continue living in this cruel, unfair world.

“The deaths of David Bowie and Prince really got to me,” the turkey told The DailyER. “And that coupled with the election of the xenophobic and progress-opposed Donald Trump to the office of president had me long for nothing but the sweet embrace of death come Thanksgiving time.”

The turkey plucked a cigarette from the pack concealed under his wing and lit it as tears began to well in his eyes.

“When Obama picked me to be the turkey pardoned this year, I knew God was playing the most cruel joke on me, forcing me to trudge through this meaningless existence with nothing but hatred and fear to look forward to,” the turkey said. “There is nothing sacred about life anymore. I can no longer endure in this terrible reality.”

President Obama offered his thoughts on the situation.

“The turkey I pardoned this year seemed strangely off-put that it wouldn’t be slaughtered for Thanksgiving dinner this year,” Obama said in a press conference following the pardoning. “But I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here. No matter what life throws at us, we must move on. Not everything works out according to plan.”

The turkey has no plans for Thanksgiving, as both of his parents, wife, kids, cousins and uncles are all being served as Thanksgiving dinner this year. There seems to be nothing left in this world that will make this turkey happy.