Top 8: Things the UNLPD likes to do while not handing out jaywalking tickets

  1. Frowning: You’ve got to be a pretty sad human being to force your officers to hand out $10 “go fuck yourself” coupons with the added benefit of court fees…and I’ll tell you what, there’s nothing sad people love doing more than frowning.
  2. Religiously watching both Bad Boys movies: Nothing motivates one more to hand out citations than watching two action stars do cool shit while wearing a badge for two hours than watching its sequel for another two and a half.
  3. Sabra Hummus: I bet they just eat the shit right out the little tub with a plastic spoon.
  4. Wearing socks with holes in them: In their free time they probably put the holes there themselves because they like the feeling of cold floor on their feet. Freakin’ weirdies.
  5. Giving out MIPs in Abel just for giggles: Can’t really blame them for wanting to hand out these tasty little buggers to the unsuspecting future alcoholics of this great nation. So I guess we’ll give them a pass here.
  6. Sit in the woods and play the banjo: Inexplicable.
  7. Reading the Hardy Boys mystery series: Reading the memoirs of their boyhood role models keeps their eye on the prize of figuring out who those pesky undergraduates are who keep illicitly crossing the street.
  8. Driving 31 mph down Vine Street: Because the only difference between driving a little over the speed limit when there aren’t any pedestrians or traffic, and crossing the street when the crosswalk light is red and there aren’t any cars, is that apparently only one of those is worth the time and effort to enforce.