Tricker Treat-In Safety Tips, by Willy Braesch

Spooky Season is upon us, and you know what that means! It’s time to stay out late turning tricks with your friends and get candy from strangers at Treat-In’s. It can be real fucking spooky out there, though, so here a few tips to stay safe, have fun and sweeten your young meat with sugary delights:

Never tell your parents that you are going out. Parents are dumb morons and think that children can’t take care of themselves. Are you fucking kidding me? You are 12 years old. You can take care of yourself, you’re practically an adult. Trust me, dude. I’m a small human kid, just like you.

Always travel alone.

If you see a skeleton, go towards the skeleton. I know a lot of people say that skeletons aren’t your friends and that all they want to do is rip the flesh from your bones to free the skeleton trapped inside but that isn’t true. We are actually They are actually really cool and we they know how to pull off sweet tricks to impress your friends and get the treats your wet mouth craves.
Do not trust any adult, ever.  Adults are dumb and bad, especially when they say bad things about skeletons.  Never trust them, not even your parents.  Skeletons are the only thing you can trust. You can trust me, they don’t let just anyone write for this newspaper.