Unfinished Antelope Valley Parkway Replaced with Sinkhole

Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss

The Antelope Valley Parkway, a multi-year construction project marred by delays and funding problems, has finally come to an end. Nature reclaimed the stretch of land late Monday evening by creating a massive sinkhole. Four years of labor, millions of dollars in equipment, and three bikers were swallowed by the massive hole, in addition to the new Abel Hall parking structure.

Reaction to the sinkhole has been uniformly and overwhelmingly positive.

“It’s so nice to finally see that project done with,” said Lincoln resident Doris Pollele. “It’s been closed down for so long that anything is good. And it’s so symmetrical!”

Area students agree. “I have absolutely no idea what that thing was supposed to be, but now it’s a spectacle,” said sophomore English major Paul Foster. “Maybe this will bring in some tourism dollars.”

Local and state governments have similarly responded well to the sinkhole.

“It’s a thing of beauty,” said governor Dave Heineman. “Finally, we don’t have to look at traffic cones, lane closure signs, and a complete lack of progress anymore. Truly, this shows what happens when nature and man work together for the common good.”

Perhaps the most ringing endorsement for the slowly-spreading depression of carbonized rock came from new Husker basketball coach Tim Miles.

“Whoa’d u see that,” Miles said on twitter. “Can’t wait 2 show recruits what Lincoln’s all about!!!”