United States to build wall around D.C.

In reaction to a long, arduous election cycle filled with finger-pointing, scandals, and plenty of drinking as a coping mechanism, the 50 states wasted no time in deciding to erect a wall around Washington, D.C.

The project started simply as a joke Facebook event created by 19-year-old Pennsylvania resident Zoey Mattigano, but quickly garnered attention nationwide, with 10.3 million Facebook users RSVPing to the event at press time.

“I was just trying to make light of this situation at first, but I guess people really liked the idea and took it seriously. A states’ rights organization contacted me and asked if they could take over the event and start organizing the construction of an actual wall,” Mattigano told The DailyER. ”I told them, ‘Yeah sure lol’ and they just went hard at it.”

The organization, known as The States’ Congress, had actually begun planning prior to permissions from Mattigano to take control of the event page.

“We were just so excited and surprised that nobody had thought of this idea before,” States’ Congress member and wall architect Donavan St. Germain said.

St. Germain briefly went into the details of the proposed wall, stating that building around the 40-mile perimeter of Washington, D.C. will be much cheaper and more easily monitored than the roughly 2,000-mile-long U.S.-Mexico border wall proposed by President-Elect Donald Trump.

“Since the length will be 50 times shorter than what is proposed by Trump, we can make it higher and add more bells and whistles to it and still make it affordable,” St. Germain said. “Elon Musk reached out to us and said he wanted to contribute an experimental laser defense system in case any U.S. Congressmen or lobbyists try to escape. Plus, this way we can make sure Trump doesn’t go and embarrass the nation on international trips. We also plan on installing Internet jammers along the wall.”

It looks like America can unify behind a single cause after all.