UNL Chancellor Recruits Staff for New Metal Band, “Mother of Perl”

UNL staff are reporting receiving an email inviting them to bring their “sickest licks” to the UNL Chancellor’s office for “a chance of a lifetime.”

“It’s gonna be really extreme,” read the email, which had as an attachment an image of a skull Chancellor Perlman had drawn, with the words “Mother of Perl” written on the forehead. “I’m thinking like Pantera-style guitars mixed with the aura of Metallica.”

Staff reaction has been negative so far, with most employees confused.

“Who does he think will show up?” asked Linda Gables, a professor in the philosophy department. “He always gets these big ideas in his head that he chases like crazy for a few weeks, then they lose steam.”

“Just a couple months ago he sent a similar email asking who wanted to start a ‘Perls of Wisdom’ podcast with him,” she added.

Perlman said this wasn’t just a passing fad.

“Metal for life,” he said. “Metal for death. Are you really questioning my commitment? I’ve been watching VH1 documentaries for the past week and a half every night before bed. I can tell you so much about Def Leppard. Don’t question my commitment.”

This isn’t Perlman’s first foray into the world of music. Earlier this summer, he opened a MySpace music page under the name of “DJ H-Bomb.” Before that, he had aspirations to form a folk group, “Perls Before Swine.”

“They were test runs,” Perl explained as he practiced head-banging in his office. “My dad used to tell me when we went to the swimming hole, he said, ‘Harvey, don’t jump in. Put your toes in first.’ I was putting my toes in. Now it’s time to jump.”

The only response he’s had to this point is from David Cret, a graduate assistant in the mathematics department.

“We will tear shit up, I can promise you that,” Cret said. “Mother of Perl is coming for your ears. Harvey has this really awesome idea to hold all of our practices at Memorial Stadium so we have room for all our fans. I feel like I’m working with a rock God.”

“Metal forever,” he added.

Perlman feels the same optimism, from his red headband to his recently-purchased leather boots.

“We’re here to stay,” he said. “Stay and slay.”