UNL defeats trees in decisive victory

After a long and gruesome reign, the trees’ iron grip on Centennial Mall is no more.

In one final surprise attack, an elite force of specially trained operatives using expensive, advanced equipment wiped out the tree population on the small stretch of city property on the southern edge of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln City Campus.

“No more will Lincolnites need to suffer the trees’ oppressive shade during the summer,” said Governor Dave Heineman. “Nor will we need to endure the bitter, piercing wind-cover the trees’ provide in the winter, rest assured.”

According to a press release from the governor’s office last week, the city will now begin its final phase of not moving forward on plans to renovate the downtown park area, which has been fenced off and restricted ever since Lincoln Police forcibly removed the three remaining Occupy Lincoln protesters in 2011.

“We are still in the process of collecting the $40 from every man, woman and child in Lincoln necessary to fund the expensive renovation project,” said project spokeswoman Cathy Nayak.

Nayak went on to say that though the project is quite costly, the benefits of the gaudy, over designed walkway will outweigh the negatives.

“Sometime in the probable future, Lincolnites will be able to enjoy younger, flimsy trees that aren’t suited to Nebraskan ecology,” Nayak said. “We’ve removed old, useless, ugly trees and will replace them with trees that won’t provide shade for many, many years.”

UNL advertising student Thomas Jung is relieved to hear the struggle is over, or at least moved to another part of Lincoln.

“I used to hate walking to Andersen Hall when there was shade on parts of the path,” Jung said. “I can’t wait until summer classes start. All of Centennial Mall will be a lifeless wasteland.”

UNL Chancellor Harvey Perlman had only two words to say about Lincoln’s recent victory in a war that is surely not over.

“Mission Accomplished.”