UNL Greeks Aspiring To Lower Mortality Rates To 6 Geeds Per Year

Greek students at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln met last night to discuss how they will lower campus’ mortality rate to 6 geeds per year.

In the Colonial Room at the Nebraska Union, members of the various fraternities and sororities opened the talk by mentioning how, within the last five years, the number of gede deaths due to “totally ratchet” Greek activities have reached an all-time low.

“Back in the day, when frats and sororities were first starting up in Greece, the parties were uninhibitedly krunk and geeds were probably seen as inferior indentured servants – or, more so than today,” said junior finance major Susan Westward. “Countless geeds were used in order to attain the perfect party by being used to buttchug the latest wines. Also, it was probably common for frats to tell the most naïve geeds to go tell the Spartans that violence is wrong because ‘they’re totally into peace.’ Times have changed, now, so geed mortality is less pronounced.”

Despite the lessened deaths due to “regulated, yet totally less gnar” parties on campus, certain formals and get-togethers at UNL still caused enough collateral damage to cause notable geed casualties.

“We all remember the Pi Delta Delta Hawaiian Barbecue in August,” said senior sociology major Bert Klingman as he shook his head disappointedly. “The flying kabobs ruined perfectly docile, potentially useful geeds. We must put a stop to the inconvenient and needless geed deaths.”

UNL fraternities and sororities hope to lower the mortality rate via different methods. Presently, Greek students must be trained in geed awareness and watch an instructional video in order to understand when a party should or should not use geeds to enhance Greek pleasure.

“No matter how hard we try, we cannot avoid all gede deaths,” Klingman said. “Sometimes, parties are just too large to not have geeds and too radtacular to not be dangerous. We shouldn’t expect a geed mortality rate of zero. But we should at least try and lower it, for the university’s sake.”