US Excited About Being 999,999th Visitor to Chinese Website


In the midst of cyber-espionage attacks from China, the US government keeps stumbling upon fantastic prizes across the internet. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel issued a public statement last week that the United States budget for next year will be looking better than ever with expected returns on twenty different million dollar prizes through various Chinese websites

“We were just checking up on the Chinese when we saw this big bright flashing ad on this web site that said we were the 999,999th visitor and that we’d won a million dollars. I couldn’t believe it. And then a little bit later, it happened again. Our budget problems are over for sure,” reported Hagel.

The Department of Defense reported that they have 24 hours to claim the prize, and all they have to do is provide important information about access to the Federal Reserve and recent intelligence that the Central Intelligence Agency has gathered to prove their identity.

At a recent press conference with Vice President Joe Biden, he was asked whether or not the United States should be skeptical of these prizes and whether or not they think they are being scammed. Biden replied, “Why on earth would we be getting scammed? China and the United States are economically interdependent and there is no motivation for them to hurt us. I think you need to be a little more trusting of what you see online.”

The executive branch has yet to report on whether or not they have actually received any of the money yet. In the meantime, there have been several more incidents reported from the Central Intelligence Agency that important security information has been compromised. According to Biden, the incidents are “not at all related,” and we have “no reason to worry.”