Vegan student adds cigarettes to diet

Healthy eating is on the rise in Lincoln. Recently, sophomore Megan Bailey joined the large numbers of students switching to vegan diets in order to lose weight and live an overall healthier lifestyle.

However, Bailey’s new diet did not have all of the desired effects immediately.

“I was feeling a lot healthier and had way more energy because I wasn’t eating heaps of saturated fat any more, but I just wasn’t losing any weight on this vegan diet,” Bailey said in a recent interview. “It wasn’t until my friend Jason got me smoking a pack of cigarettes a day that the weight really started coming off- 25 whole pounds of it.”

The DailyER has confirmed that cigarettes are, in fact, permissible for vegan diets because they are made entirely out of plant products, even though the plants in question have been described by scientists as “literally poison.”

University Health Center officials are concerned that Bailey’s vegan cigarette-induced weight loss could lead to other vegans picking up the habit, creating a campus health issue.

“We’re all for students deciding to eat a healthy, plant-based diet, but there’s enough asbestos in the buildings on campus that our students don’t need to be inhaling any extra carcinogens,” said Health Center director Robert Green. “We’d encourage our vegan students to consider that not all plant-based products are going to be part of a healthy lifestyle, and things like tobacco, arsenic, and nightshade probably shouldn’t be regular parts of your diet.”

Representatives from RJ Reynolds declined to comment on the “Smoke the weight right off with delicious vegan cigarettes” billboard that the company plans to unveil in Memorial Stadium next fall, but had some suggestions for any health center doctors for a cheap way to relieve stress.