For the 237th year in a row, white people are upset about nonsense and aren’t going to take it anymore. Dating back to when a slight increase in a tea tax led to a full-scale revolution, America has built a storied history of white folks getting real pissed off about shit. The most recent injustice was the power outage at the Super Bowl, ruining every overly coordinated Super Bowl party. This negatively affected hundreds of thousands of incredulous white people’s days and caused at least 700 TV screens to become soaked in booze.
Resident white person Scott Anderson skipped his Saturday brunch, taking to the street protesting with a list of the things inconveniencing his life.
The most grievous offenses on Anderson’s list include “when Starbucks adds too much ice after you distinctly said easy on the ice,” “Ben Affleck winning a Best Director Golden Globe for Argo instead of The Town,” and “the lack of diversity on HBO’s Girls. Seriously, don’t just give me Donald Glover and call it good, Lena Dunham, I still think you’re racist.”
The anti-racism crusade emanates powerfully for local resident Becky Johnson. As a young schoolteacher and undeniably white person, Johnson has worked endlessly to ensure that the children of Frederick Douglass Elementary are sheltered from the menace of Mark Twain’s “potty-mouth” literature or the dark chapters of American history books that portray “sad stuff about Native Americans.”
When asked, both Johnson and Anderson agreed that the federal government should mandate “monthly ugly sweater parties.”
Johnson and Anderson are not alone in this uniquely Caucasian campaign. They are merely two examples of white people sustaining themselves through an endless cycle of self-righteous anger and disbelief. Their numbers are many and their goals, as stated on their website, are clear: “Construct additional bowling lanes, fund ten more NASCAR TV channels, and finally prove that the universe does, in fact, revolve around us.”