Wild Pack of Dogs Forms College, Joins Big Ten Conference

Former athletic director Michael Vick was fired for being entirely too hands-on.
Former athletic director Michael Vick was fired for being entirely too hands-on.

Just days after Rutgers and Maryland joined the Big Ten conference, it has come out that there will be a 15th member as well.

Dog University was formed by seven stray dogs that wander around in a pack in Doon, Iowa. Within two days of their formation, Dog University was offered an invitation to join the conference.

Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney spoke about the decision to invite this new university, saying it will allow the Big Ten brand to expand to more markets.

“It’ll let us bring the Big Ten to dogs,” Delaney explained. “You know how dogs are always interested in what other dogs are doing? That’s what we think will happen here.”

Delaney freely acknowledged that the move was one based on profit, but he was quick to speak about the athletic heritage the University will bring with its entrance.

“Dogs are fast,” Delaney said. “Ever tried to outrun a dog? I have. You can’t do it. Dogs are really fast.”

“And don’t forget that some of them can jump pretty dang high,” Delaney added.

This addition has been met by some criticism from current Big Ten members. The University of Nebraska’s athletic director, Tom Osborne, has spoken out against the inclusion of Dog University.

“How is that a college?” Osborne asked. “Do they have any buildings or structures, even? I heard it’s just a few dogs standing near to each other.

“Guess I made the right choice in retiring,” Osbourne added with a sigh.

Ohio State athletic director Gene Smith made similar arguments, his main one being that “dogs are not people.”

Delaney has ignored the criticisms, instead choosing to talk about how much of a boost Dog University can give to the conference.

“Now, I’m spitballing here, but we could play ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ at all of their home games, Delaney said. “Everybody loves that song.”

Dog University will join the conference in 2014. In the meantime, they’ll be preparing for the move.

“Get ready,” said a dog who might have been the university’s dean. “Gotta get a cat ready, do you smell that? We have to learn football. I’m hungry. Who are you? Who am I?”

“We are a college? I like to run real fast,” he added.