Yellow snow discovered to be elixir to immortal life

Cities all over America have been covered in snow in one of the harshest winters in recent memory. The season’s fresh snowflakes are prompting Minnesota resident Peter Matthews to come forward with his incredible snow-related story.

“When I was 10 years old, I accidentally ate some yellow snow. It was unlike anything I’ve ever tasted. My life was never the same thereafter, and that was in 1909. That’s right. I’m 118 years old,” Matthews said, who doesn’t look a day over 50.

While the professional pastry chef is known to suffer from hallucinations and dementia, he feels lucky these impairments are not getting in the way of his ability live a full, infinite life.

“Thanks to that icy dog piss, I’ll never die,” Matthews said. “I thought about bottling the stuff up and selling it for profit, but I figure immortality is a way better gift than money. What more do I need?”

Upon hearing Matthews’ story, Lincoln local Damon Archibald is taking advantage of the city’s early snow by trying to replicate the death-defying man’s anecdote.

“I got a bowl, filled it with as much snow as I could and put it under my dog’s butt until he peed on it. After he did, I smoked a little weed just to get myself hyped up and dug in,” Archibald said.

The 27-year-old freelance artist’s experience is serving as a testament to the truth of Matthews’ own.

“I immediately felt great, better than I ever have. There’s no way that old guy made it all up. I’m gonna live forever!” Archibald said.

Yellow snow may get a bad reputation, but we can all learn something from these risk takers and their incredible payoffs. Here’s to one more reason to enjoy the holiday season.