T-2 hours until local party house “The Smash Palace” kicks off its annual Halloween party but house host, Greg Jeffries worries that there is still too much ground to cover before Dan Fuller shows up. Many hoped Dan, famed among past “Smash Palace” parties for his repulsively topical costumes, wouldn’t show his face again after […] Read more
Kids are beautiful. Look at this kid. Look at that smile, big as the sky. Those twinkling eyes, two pools of innocence, blue as the Caribbean. Look out, he’s already stolen your heart. And his costume! He’s a perfect little firefighter, yes he is. How could any fire resist him? We sure can’t. He’s in […] Read more
In an Oct. 29 press release, FAA Spokeswoman Janet White announced the suspension of all inbound witch broom flights from West Africa. The measure follows pressure from sorcery officials who are concerned about the possibility of witchcraft spreading in the U.S. “By most measures, witchcraft is not contagious. It can only be spread by a […] Read more
Ask Fred Cartenzia how he’d describe his body’s build, and he’ll tell you he’s “rotund.” Which is apt. Cartenzia will be the first to admit his weight has been increasing steadily for years. At last weigh-in, he’s sitting at 347 pounds. This, he said, can be stressful come Halloween time. “I don’t love how fat […] Read more
Through a long and complicated breeding, gene splicing and enzyme injection process, warlocks at Monstano have successfully implanted pumpkin spiced latte DNA into the common pumpkin. “They said it couldn’t be done, that it was a crime against nature,” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant. “Who’s laughing now, huh? Who’s playing God now?” Critics are saying […] Read more
In a decisive victory for skeletons and skelesexual people throughout the country, the United States Supreme Court has voted 5-4 to overturn a federal ban on skeletal marriage. In what some consider to be the most terrifying day imaginable, skeletons across the country have taken to the streets to celebrate the court’s decision. This landmark […] Read more
At first, local boy Adam Frasier felt a wave of warm relief as his father calmed him, saying that there are no monsters under the boy’s bed. “Haha, no, son, there are no monsters under there,” reassured Leon Frasier, 38, to his son, 6. “It’s way too small for anything to sit under there.” “Plus, […] Read more
Literature is a Philadelphia-based jangle-pop outfit consisting of Kevin Attics, Nathaniel Cardaci, Seth Whaland and Chris Schackerman. In 2012, they released their first album “Arab Spring”, and endearingly lo-fi mix of jittery anxiety and sugary pop songcraft. This year the band returned with their sophomore album “Chorus”, for which they experimented in the […] Read more
In a shocking turn of events that have left scientists and the general public stunned, the well-known Ebola virus has asked the once popular Swine Flu to the upcoming formal. The two first met at a nightclub, trying to see which human’s immune systems were compatible with their personalities. However, when Ebola spotted “The Swine” […] Read more
Everyone has them. Long, strenuous days that seem to stretch on until they bring you to your knees in tears. Days like that deserve a happy ending. Just a little bit of time, to kick back, relax, and chill. The best way to do this? Hookah. This device, used to smoke tobacco that is often […] Read more
