Aristocats Appalled By Husker Cats’ Living Conditions

Story by Grace Mortensen

Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss

It is a well-known fact that the cats who occupy the grounds of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln are not living in luxury. But while many around campus are not surprised, a few select guests were, reportedly, absolutely horrified.

As part of the International Kitty-Cat Exchange Program, the three Aristocat kittens, Berlioz, Toulouse, and Marie were invited to visit the University. The kittens said they were none too pleased to discover their living conditions.

“It just reminded me of when we were drugged by the butler and taken from our lovely home,” Marie, a tiny white kitten sporting a pink bow, said.

“It was worse than that! At least when we were living in the countryside of France, it was the freaking countryside of France. This is Lincoln, Nebraska. It’s gross. Vile even!” the ever polite but mischievous Toulouse cried in disbelief.

The Aristocats were expecting a cultural change when they came stateside, but it appears that what Lincoln, Nebraska has to offer has been more of a cultural shock.

“We knew it was going to be different, but we didn’t think we’d be practically homeless! I would like to return to Paris. I miss my mom. I take that back; I miss Thomas O’Malley more. He’d know what to do,” Berlioz, a little grey cat studying music performance said.

The street-smart alley cat Thomas O’Malley helped rescue the family of wealthy felines when they were catnapped from their home in the early 1970s. The kittens say that he taught them some aspects of American culture such as watching reality TV, but that he didn’t adequately prepare them for the college environment.

“There is cheap alcohol everywhere and no one treats me like a lady,” Marie said. “Everybody wants to be a cat, but certainly not a Husker cat; they live in squalor.”