Dear Aunt Agatha: I’ve been talking to this guy for a while. We Facebook message every day, and sometimes when we’re drunk we talk IRL. I can’t tell if he’s actually into me, though! What do I do?
Dear Facebook GF: I had to ask my sweet niece Gemma what “IRL” and “GF” mean. She says they mean, “Sorry, Aunt Agatha, I can’t talk right now! I’m on my iPhone!” Hahahaha, she is a HOOT! But anyway, if you like this boy, just do like we did back in my day and give him a little pat on the tuckus. If he pats you back, he’s yours! If not, honey, it’s just not meant to be.
Dear Aunt Agatha: Help! I want a cat but my housemate is super allergic. I love cats and feel like I could give one a great home. What do I do?
-Catless in Nebraska
Dear Catless: Your roommate is truly selfish. Doesn’t she see that there are 70,000,000 cats on the streets of America that need a home? Doesn’t she know that you’d make a fantastic mother to your fur babies? Catless, I would just get a cat. To appease your sickly roommate, buy her a hazmat suit! She’ll love cuddling with a cat when there’s no risk of asphyxiation.
Dear Aunt Agatha: My boyfriend is always late. I’ve asked him to be on time over and over, but it seems like it’s actually impossible for him. I’m afraid it’s going to destroy our relationship! What do I do?
-Late and Lame
Dear Late: Back in my day, we used to say, “The early bird gets the worm!” We also used to say that we were “playing back seat bingo” when we took our cars out to Make Out Point above the city. What do the kids call it these days?
Dear Aunt Agatha: What kind of Christmas present should I get my girlfriend of two months?
Dear Sick: Get her what every girl wants–a nice wind chime!