Campus Police Invigorated by Recent Spike in Tomfoolery

Students, faculty, and Lincoln citizens met at a townhall meeting this weekend to discuss the recent increase in mischievous deeds surrounding the Lincoln Downtown area. For Rod White, director of the UNL Campus Police, the recent spike in nefarious activity is an opportune time for his staff to make a name for itself by quelling the troublemakers.

“They come around every year thinking they are so damn special, causing a ruckus with all their hoodwinks. It disgusts me. Yet, somehow, it gives me new life,” said White

“Every year they come around, and every year we catch them. The game of uniformed, broad-shouldered cat and drunken, juvenile, pants-sagging mouse has begun.”

Serving at UNL for the past eight years makes White UNL’s longest-serving Campus Sheriff.

“Gameday weekends are a particular hub of activity for the campus ne’er-do-wells,” continued White.

The game and subsequent celebrations are monitored by Campus Police, who say they look forward to the opportunity.

“The boys love it. They bust out the Segways and the jumbo cans of pepper spray – we have a ball.”

Students, however, are reportedly becoming distraught over the recent increase in police presence around campus, citing a lack of freedom and restricted access to a “real Gameday experience.”

Brad Waller, a senior Business major and Fraternity president, was quoted as saying “[they] have been hounding us every home game. Noise complaints. Assault charges. Anything they can throw at us to bring us down.”

“When you put up with all sorts of rabble-rousing, eventually it becomes time to drop the hammer,” retorted White. “With as many tools in the arsenal as I have, it’s hard not to use them.”