Democratic Party tallies votes undemocratically to be ironic

Democratic Party Chair Debbie Schultz

In a move that many would associate with utter bullshit, the Democratic National Committee decided to assign delegates and superdelegates in an undemocratic way for both the Iowa and New Hampshire contests.

Superdelegates are party representatives who are allowed to throw their support behind any candidate of their choosing regardless of popular vote, a move that hilariously contradicts the values that the party claims to represent.

“Unpledged delegates exist to make sure that party leaders and elected officials don’t have to be in a position where they are running against grassroots activists,” DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz said as she simultaneously held up two middle fingers to registered voters. “The Democratic Party really highlights and emphasizes inclusiveness and diversity at our convention…and so we separate out those unpledged delegates to make sure that there isn’t competition between them.”

Not every Democrat sees this as a negative, however.  Local party member Luke Fritz embraced the complete thwarting of democracy and was ecstatic that 2016 would be an election year decided for him.

“I just, you know, I’ve known about Hillary longer than whoever that other old dude is,” she said. “It’s like when Papa Fritz would tell me who to vote for in my middle school’s mock election. It just feels reassuring to have a guiding hand you know?”

The next debate between the two candidates will take place in Flint, Michigan, on March 6.  The location is very relevant at this time for the Democratic Party as Flint recently faced a water contamination crisis, an event that directly reflects the ideology of pro-establishment party elites: tainted, caustic and extremely hard to swallow.