Egyptian Protesters Finally Overthrow King Tut

Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss.

“Let my people go” was a common chant from the raging streets of Cairo. Cats flooded the streets, and passersby stopped their protesting to worship them. Mummies were also reported to have reanimated themselves to join in active disapproval of the Pharaoh’s command, which has been sustained since before the Common Era.

“Really, it has been long enough,” said Garai Massri, a very wise, old Egyptian man, who probably possessed some secret, ancient powers. “The only things that ever come to mind when Egypt is mentioned are pyramids and King Tut. And frankly that is completely, 100 percent accurate; our civilization really has not developed since ancient history. It is time that the Egyptian people roll up their tunic sleeves and loincloths and get this Ra-worshipper out of office!”

The Egyptian people made their demands known using hieroglyphics, written upon a stone tablet. These demands included gold, less enslavement for the building of pyramids, and removal of toll booths at the entrance to the parted Red Sea. Their demands would be unrecognizable to our sources, if it were not for the present relevance of the Rosetta Stone.

“The Egyptians will never get rid of me,” King Tutankhamen assured our sources. “Everybody has seen The Mummy and The Prince of Egypt. And everybody likes that Egypt. Who’s really going to listen to some angry Egyptian protesters? I am not even sure what they are mad about… One of the 683 Ptolemy’s? Cleopatra? God continuously plaguing them with stuff? Really, though, what else is there to Egypt? All I do is sit in this pyramid, put curses on people, and head a tyrannical, oligarchical governmental body that has no regard for its people. You know, ordinary Egypt stuff. These people are ridiculous.”

King Tutankhamen’s anger, however, did not stop Egyptians from continuing their marches along the Nile. So, just to be a wrathful pharaoh, Tut ordered the millions of enslaved scribes who run the “Egyptian Internet” to shut it down.

“Next thing you know, I’ll have to take away their camels,” King Tutankhamen mused. “Then how the hell are they going to get around?”