Gay Pride Parade Replaced With Straight Disappointment Festival

Darrel Jamison has long harbored a secret. Even his family and closest friends don’t know.

“I’m a straight man,” Jamison said, “but I’ve always had a burning desire to be gay.”

Soon, men and women like Jamison will no longer have to carry this burden. Nebraska Pride, an organization dedicated to LGBTQ causes, announced yesterday that they are ceasing the annual Lincoln Gay Pride parade and replacing it with something radically different.

“We are excited to announce what we hope will become a new and exciting tradition,” spokesman Thomas Keaton said. “The ‘Straight Disappointment Festival.’”

“Our society is still not free of the stigma attached to being straight but desperately wishing they could be gay. For too long, we have only celebrated being flamboyant and loud in public,” Keaton said. “This is all about to change.”

Believed to be the first festival solely dedicated to celebrating the desire to be homosexual, Nebraska Pride said they hope to establish a sense of community among these individuals, a sentiment Jamison reflects.

“For too long, I’ve had to explain to my wife why she occasionally finds me half-heartedly wearing her clothing,” Jamison said. “It will be such a relief to finally meet others who do the same.”

The festival, scheduled to take place Sept. 6-8 in the Haymarket, is expected to draw nearly 600 people from around the state, mostly to sports bars and specialty boutique stores