God Six Decades Behind On Answering Prayers

Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss

The Almighty God admitted yesterday that he was nearly six full decades behind on answering human prayers. The creator of the universe said that he has been “overwhelmed” with the sheer number of humans now on the planet, and that all of them keep praying for “the same stupid things.”

“Yesterday I answered a prayer from 1940 where little Johnny asked if Helda liked him,” the one true deity said. “Why would Johnny ask me that question? He should have asked Helda! That prayer cost me about 30 minutes of useless work.”

“It ended up not even mattering because Helda fell into a well a week after he asked, and she died, so that prayer became double worthless.”

Several Angels, who asked not to be named, have criticized his holiness for not delegating any of the prayers to his subordinates, who are “more than capable” of answering the prayers on their own.

“I don’t mean to be that guy, but he’s kind of a control freak,” one angel said. “He has to do everything himself, and it’s just too much for one person to accomplish.”

The Supreme Ruler has also acknowledged frustration about the lack of gratification for his answered prayers, stating that people don’t seem too excited for the things they wanted 60 years ago.

“One lady had prayed for an old 1940 Ford automobile, so I got her one” the Supreme Ruler said.

“When she saw it, she laughed at it and said ‘I haven’t seen one of these in 60 years’ before preceding to give it away to some antique shop. No gratitude, no thank you, just a laugh. It’s ridiculous.”

God has considered wiping the slate clean and not answering any of the prayers of the past 60 years, but said he feels he’d just get bogged down again with all of humanity’s dumb problems. God said he suspects they could “only have gotten even dumber” over the last six decades.

“Honestly, I think I may start asking all my followers to say the topic of their prayers before starting them. So if the topic is relationship problems, I can send out a blanket message that tells them to just get over themselves,” the creator of the universe said.

“When I was younger I enjoyed dealing with everyone’s problems. But I’m not a young deity anymore. I’m getting old. I really only have the power to deal with the big issues like why the Republicans think they in any way represent my best interests.”