Heineman Approves Provocative New Pipeline


In a not-so-stunning change of heart, Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has approved a “sexy” new route for the TransCanada Keystone XL pipeline. Heineman had previously halted construction on the controversial pipeline over environmental concerns that the route would cut through Nebraska’s Sandhills.

TransCanada responded by rerouting the pipeline to avoid the Sandhills, but the new proposal still cut across the Ogallala Aquifer. The Canadian oil giant sweetened the deal by making the new pipeline resemble a busty mud-flap woman.

The move drew the ire of critics, most notably from the head of Bold Nebraska, Jane Kleeb. “Sure, I’d let my husband keep a copy of the route under his pillow with his ‘Penthouse’ magazine,” Kleeb stated. “But that doesn’t change the fact that it still cuts across the Aquifer, which provides 30 percent of the nation’s irrigation ground water.”

Kleeb added that Heineman was making opposing this pipeline hard, “like, really hard.”

Not swayed by the threat of contaminated drinking water and irrigation systems, Heineman had stern words for his critics, angrily exclaiming that “of course there arHEINe going to be risks, but I don’t think people are aware of all the jobs TransCanda will bring to the area.  Not to mention the fact that they will all be wearing protection, such as ribbed construction helmets and latex shoes.”

Heineman then proceeded to rip open his dress shirt Hulk-style, stand on the podium and scream “jobs” at the top of his lungs.

The issue drew national attention after Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney took up the cause of the Keystone XL Pipeline as undeniable proof that President Obama is anti-job creation.

“It pains me that I’m not the President right now,” a dour Romney stated in a recent interview with the DailyER. “If Obama denies this incredibly voluptuous pipeline, it’ll just go to show that he cares more about the ‘environment’ than creating jobs. I promise you, if I were president right now we would be laying some serious pipe in Nebraska.”

Nebraska State Senator Ken Harr openly questioned why Heineman was willing to put farmers’ water at risk in order to grab some more jobs.

“Does the Governor not realize we have an unemployment rate of 3.7%?” Harr pondered. “It’s not like we’re California or some other third-world country. The Governor acts like a junkie when it comes to jobs. It matters not to him what the future consequences could be, so long as he gets some of those sweet, sweet jobs in the short-term.”

Wandering off, Harr muttered to himself, “I need to get a map of this proposal in my bedroom. For research.”