Holiday fruitcake reaches atomic half-life

Little Annie Remington, 81, did not expect that her family would be able to celebrate a truly festive and bright Christmas this year as she brought out her infamous holiday fruitcake, which had actually achieved atomic half-life.

“Oh, dearie, was I surprised when I unwrapped that fruitcake,” Remington said, who never knew that a balding head from radiation could make someone jolly. “It had been sitting on my antique bread platter for, oh, months, maybe even a year or so before I threw it in the freezer – I remember when, because that was the time my fingernails started to peel for some reason.  But I figured, Hell, no one will probably even eat this, so what harm could a fruitcake be. It’ll look festive.’”

Once she pulled back the “surprisingly warm” cling wrap, Remington said what she saw stunned her.

“It was so beautiful, the way that fruitcake shined all green like a heavenly Christmas tree,” Remington said. “The light was so bright, that even when I shut my eyes tight, my eyelids started to burn.”

Remington said that, after seeing the marvel before her and “almost coughing blood” at the sight of a “holy sign,” she immediately showed her husband. Her husband, Hank, was so startled that he actually threw up on the spot, she said.

“I felt bad afterwards, though,” Annie said. “I think the whole fiasco caused him to have a heart attack.”

On Dec. 1, the night that Annie showed her husband, Hank had been diagnosed with acute gamma radiation poisoning. Annie, despite the tragedy, still stays optimistic, hoping to discover the source of her husband’s sickness before he comes home to help put up the Christmas tree topper.

“I would be able to, if it weren’t for my fingers,” Annie said. “God only knows why they’ve started getting all numb and bony and twisted.”