You find yourself drunk, high, or void of any will to live. And lo and behold! A Dailyer lays before you, intimidating and a bit salty to the tongue. But worry not, poor reader. We know how difficult it is to read such an illustrious publication such as the Dailyer. So, here are some tips on how to do it.
- Before anything, you should finalize any wills and testaments. Just in case, you know. While you’re reading the Dailyer, you might get seriously maimed by a minivan. Or you might even die of laughter from the great satire before you.
- You must put away all other electronic devices before reading. The immense amount of electromagnetic energy erupting from the newspaper will cause crippling glitches if precautions aren’t taken.
- When you find a headline or article that has satire that you simply cannot understand, consult your nearest satirical expert or academic. Unfortunately, they will likely answer any questions that you have about satire satirically, because they’re an immoral breed that will eventually die out.
- Lick your fingers before turning each page. Do this simply because you’re a classy motherfucker that gets an erotic pleasure from the taste of ink.
- After a while, you should find a better copy of the Dailyer. The old one is likely covered in your disgusting saliva by now.
- Give yourself a chocolate after every article as an enticing reward. You’re gonna need some chocolate, especially in this issue. We didn’t know how to bring up bad news to you, so we published it instead. Sorry.
- Remember to laugh. It’s okay to laugh. Even if the article isn’t funny, laugh. Just laugh. Please laugh. We beg of you.