Ignite President casually adding “for life” to title under his breath

Once again it is ASUN election season at UNL with all the festivities the season promises, but this ASUN election cycle has taken an ominous turn. This year Ignite will be the only party running for the privilege of representing UNL’s student body. And the unopposed nature of the fight seems to have gone to Ignite’s head. It took several days of campaign speeches before it became obvious, but Ignite President Kevin Knudson has been adding “for life” to his new job title. This is not standard procedure for ASUN presidents, with most serving a peaceful 2 semester term and very few engaging in a violent power grab for more semesters in office.


“I’m happy with the new ASUN system,” stated Kelly Greco, junior economics major. “I always forget to vote, so I have this sort of guilt that I’m not engaged in my school’s democratic process. A benevolent ASUN dictatorship would remove that fear and a president for life with a cabinet of cronies wouldn’t have to spend a semester training new senators.”


A recently leaked recording from Ingite’s CPN root beer float event reveals more disturbing campaign strategies for the Ignite party. In the audio clip, Knudson is heard laying out his strategy to continuously forget to sign up for graduation and remain at UNL to eventually become the only fifty-fifth year senior and pass ASUN control onto his heir. Another root beer float rumor that has spread among underground sources is the possibility that Ignite may not represent the student body, but this is still unconfirmed.

The DailyER would like to welcome our new monarchs with open arms. As of printing time, Ignite is expected to unanimously win the Democratic People’s Republic of Lincoln elections with a record 107% student vote turnout.