In a completely indefensible and abhorrent act, we at The DailyER decided that instead of giving you any attempt at satire, we’d instead give you exactly what you want: lesbian sex.

It is very difficult, as you might imagine, for us to actually give you  “lesbian sex” to you per se, but we are here to try.

“We really just want to give the people what they want. And I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming that what the public wants is for two ladies to start having sex right here, right now, instead of reading some terrible satire rag,” the writer of this article, Greg Bright, said.

“I know I’d rather be doing that than writing this piece of shit article.”

Several people on campus, who we were too lazy to actually interview, but who we feel do in fact believe this, said that the paper really needed to become more like European tabloids, with “naked ladies everywhere,” instead of trying to make us laugh with “terrible dick jokes.”

“If you do that, then we might actually read the damn thing.”

Well, several people on campus, we listened and we listened hard. So here it is, the closest thing we have to naked ladies everywhere: an article that was written about lesbian sex in an article.

We listened. We wrote lesbian sex in a headline. We came. For the love of god, we hope that’s good enough.