In an effort to achieve political fairness in the continuing coverage of the approaching election, several media sources have
announced that they will be starting trial runs of a new system to ensure journalistic integrity.
Sources within several leading news corporations have released a statements elaborating on the new practices.
“It’s very important that we make sure that we, as an independent news source, are not seen to be favoring one candidate or unfairly targeting specific ideas or groups,” said NBC News President Deborah Turness. “That’s why, starting with tonight’s debate, every time Donald Trump says something that harms his campaign or calls his question into integrity, journalists will be standing by to hit Hillary Clinton in the shoulder.”
“We know that this idea is a little unorthodox, and that it’s bound to have some critics,” she continued. “However, to those who say ‘Why the hell are you monsters repeatedly punching an old woman in the shoulder?’, we’d like to point out that Secretary Clinton won’t do it herself. Let me ask you; would it be fair if our coverage of the debate resulted in one candidate being portrayed as bigoted, ignorant and unqualified to be president, while the other was seen as competent, if a bit unsavory? That would be completely biased and a violation of our journalistic ethics. Under the new rules, we guarantee that if one candidate leaves the debate with his campaign shattered, the other candidate will have an equally shattered upper body. This way, no candidate is afforded special or advantageous treatment.”
When Secretary Clinton was asked about her thoughts on the media’s new approach towards debate coverage, she calmly slipped on two pairs of brass knuckles before responding.
“I’d love to see those bastards try.”