Keystone pipeline route extended straight through O Street

The Nebraska Public Service Commission has reaffirmed their efforts to make things riskier for the state’s citizens by extending the Keystone XL pipeline route enormously.

According to previous DailyER reports, parcels of land in Memorial Stadium have been used to facilitate the pipeline. The latest announcement from the NPSC extended the pipeline through O Street and beyond by an estimated 2,346 miles, all without leaving Lincoln’s city limits.

“Ever seen those old computer screensavers where a pipe just keeps expanding and eventually fills the whole screen?” said Keystone representative Daryl Green while dumping a cup of motor oil into a nearby pond. “Yeah, it’s basically that.”

The extension has affected virtually every aspect of life in Lincoln, from traffic flow to visibility. One section of the pipeline wrapped around the state’s Capitol Building 36 times.

“It’s honestly not too bad,” said mother of two, Stacy Gulliver. “TransCanada says it’s safe, and my kids only pass out three times a day from the fumes. Just because it runs through their school cafeteria, doesn’t make it a threat.”

The pipeline’s virtual omnipresence has been so invasive that a section of it ran through the middle of the keyboard as this report was being typed out. This is not the only incident of such intrusiveness, however.

Philanthropist Kendra Keating was dumbfounded one morning when she awoke to thousands of gallons of tar sands oil being pumped through where her stomach used to be.

“I needed to take a leak for all the wrong reasons,” Keating said while stationed in an armchair. “Who knew oil could be so crude?”

Keating noted how much the public’s opinion of the pipeline changed after it came right through their own backyards.

“Weird, it’s like people only care about things when they’re directly affected,” she added.