KYDNEY: This isn’t working out, Emily

Raymond Kydney | The DailyER
Raymond Kydney | The DailyER

I know this might not be a popular opinion, Emily, but I don’t really think this is going to work. While I know that we talked about our relationship, and we both promised to try harder for each other, new research has come to light which more than complicates the longevity of our relationship.

In a poll conducted among my friends, 10 out of 10 respondents found that you were entirely too controlling, and more troubling, 70 percent of the respondents thought I should have more time to hang out with them. With the results of this study in mind, I can’t help but have some serious doubts about how this is going, Emily.

It doesn’t stop there. In an academic study, it was found that 25 percent of our arguments were about nothing at all. This might not really seem like a high percentage, but once put into practice the implications are truly haunting, Emily. Based on the findings of this study, roughly one in four arguments were about meaningless bullshit that wasn’t even my fault. This is absolutely unsustainable, Emily.

It was also found that roughly 52 percent of our arguments actually had nothing to do with whatever it was that you claimed to be mad about. In all reality, they were spurred on by you still being mad about things which I had already apologized for and, even more astoundingly, things which you had already forgiven me for.

Critics of this opinion piece and your friends might say that this minimizes my role in the downfall of our relationship, but this could not be any farther from the truth. I realize that I might not have been the best boyfriend in the world– I mean, sometimes it would take me ten minutes to respond to a text, which shows an appalling lack of respect for you. I get that, I really do. That’s why you need to find someone who will text you back right away, or put up with your arguments, which as of right now I just don’t think I can do for you, Emily.

I just don’t think I can be that guy. With all of this in mind– I’m sorry to say– but this just isn’t working, Emily.