Local Necrophiliac Can’t Wait For Zombie Apocalypse

Jonathan Burroughs, a Lincoln resident his entire life, has been raising eyebrows lately as a newly converted necrophiliac. Explaining his new-found identity, he stated, “It makes a lot of sense when you really consider it. We live in a culture where death is entertaining; I just take it one step further.

“It’s an exciting time to be a necrophiliac. Corpses in movies and on TV nowadays are getting more and more provocative, in shows like ‘The Walking Dead’ and movies like ‘Zombie Strippers!’ Finally we’re seeing some equality.”

Others aren’t quite so enthusiastic about Burroughs’ revelation. Samantha Winters, his long-time neighbor, is less than pleased about this new development.

“I admired his bravery when he proclaimed his new life with bestiality a few years back,” said Winters. “I even supported him when the world frowned on him for coming out as an active pedophile. This just seems like a step too far.”

Even the United Necrophiliacs of Lincoln (UNL) aren’t pleased with Burroughs’ stance, though one statement in particular caused the growing organization to pull support for him. Speaking to a friend, Buroughs reportedly stated that he “can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse. Watching it is stimulating for a while, but there comes a time when a man wants a taste for the real thing.”

UNL has made their position on the undead very clear. “Just as the name ‘undead’ suggests,” says UNL president David Horowitz, “zombies, vampires, and the like have no place in necrophilia. Our stance has always been the same: if there is potential for resistance, the sexual partner is clearly not dead and therefore has no ethical place in the United Necrophiliacs of Lincoln’s code of ethical conduct.”

Burroughs is undeterred, however. “I see myself as a sort of beacon to Neo-Necrophiliacs everywhere. I’m out here every day as a living proof that we don’t have to live in the closet anymore. There is a place for us in this world: seeking pleasure from those who haven’t quite moved into the next one.”