Man who only wears shorts prepares for finest season

The winter wind rushes south through the plains. Geese migrate, honking and soaring through the skies. As students around the University of Nebraska-Lincoln quickly succumb to the falling temperatures, pulling on parkas and snow boots, one man remains strong. That man is Todd Williams, shorts enthusiast, calf master, defyer of temperatures.

As the junior prepared his winter wardrobe, he cast a wistful hand over a pile of gray and black athletic shorts.

“Most people would be too afraid to wear these babies all winter,” Williams said. “I’m not. The cold doesn’t affect my beefy calves like everyone else, and I’m not afraid to flaunt my lower-leg strength.”

“Through the simple act of never putting on a pair of pants, I demonstrate man’s dominion over nature.”

Sources report that Williams’ choices have garnered controversy around campus.

“I just don’t understand,” said sophomore Denise Smil, “Does he not feel these snot-freezing Nebraska nights like everyone else?”

Williams stated that though the power of positive thinking, he is able to fight back the winter chill.

“All I want is to wear these shorts until the day I die. Bury me in them, I don’t care. Not even the cold chill of the grave can touch me,” he said. “I am the true master of the elements, the ruler of the plains, the freer of calves. I am infinite.”