Maybe if you had put your name on them, I wouldn’t have eaten your family by Your Roommate

Look, I understand that you’re upset.

But the way to deal with this situation is reason. Otherwise we’ll just squawk at each other all day.

Let me start by pointing out that we don’t currently have a system that identifies ownership of food, which is goofy because we’ve been living together for over two months now. I’m not afraid to admit that I get forgetful at times, and we both like similar foods, so there’s bound to be crossover at times. I know for a fact you and your friends drank about a half gallon of my milk last weekend, and not to be self-righteous, but I never brought that up.

Furthermore, it was, like, two in the morning. I was tired and hungry, and I wasn’t going to turn on the kitchen light and wake myself up entirely before bed. Your family was there and I just went for it without much of a second thought, and, like I said earlier, I’m sorry.

If you’re worried about it, it wasn’t that big of an affair. I always eat jugular veins first, so it was only painful for them four minutes tops. Plus, I didn’t keep them all in the same room as I devoured them one-by-one, so they had no idea what was happening until their last moments.

But getting back to the point, I think we should learn from this. I’m willing to spend my money on a pack of Sharpies we can both use to mark our food from now on. We can avoid this belly-aching and keep a sense of peace in this apartment, something both of us will benefit from.

Also, I’ll take out the trash later. No reason for you to lug around all those heavy bones if you got none of the enjoyment.