NCAA Vacates Bush Presidency

After close to five years of deliberation, the NCAA has officially announced the vacation of the entire George W. Bush presidency and the nullification of every record he set while in office.

While some of the records the former former president set, like the most word misuses in speeches, will not be missed, others may retroactively shape the country in the coming months.

For instance, his response to Hurricane Katrina has been erased from the record books. All hurricane relief efforts will henceforth be officially referred to only as a “governmental operation” or a “critical failure.” Additionally, the collapse of the economy will no longer be attributed to Bush. It will instead be written off as an “unavoidable downturn” or simply a “colossal screw-up” by the “administration,” despite their “incredible efforts” to “fix” the “problem.”

Already, polls are showing that much of the nation is impressed by the NCAA’s quick decision-making on the Bush vacation relative to Bush’s own response speed.

But to many, Katrina and the economy seem like small potatoes compared to the removing of Bush’s post-9/11 records. The instigation of two simultaneous wars combined with a tax break will instead be attributed to his vice president, Dick Cheney. Already analysts in the industry are calling Cheney’s decisions after the crisis a “typical Dick move,” and are seeking to rewrite most official reports condemning the former former president.

Even Bush’s involvement — or lack thereof — with the United Nations in relation to voting regulations and inspections of prisoners of war has been cleared, leaving many to wonder what the former former president has left.

“I know he’s technically been cleared of all his records. I know that officially, he doesn’t have any credentials anymore,” said Lincoln resident Colin Rice. “But we’ve still got all the memories. And the championship rings. Back to back election champ, baby! Tied for second most ever!”

“Never mind that crippled guy.”