New ASUN President Promises Conversation, Cooperation, Go Big Red

After a long and difficult journey, a new man has risen to the proverbial challenge.

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Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss.

In his acceptance speech, the new president-elect for the Association for the Students of the University of Nebraska spoke of how very humbled he was to have received this great honor.

“It is a distinct privilege to serve this student body,” said the crisply dressed president-elect. “There have been some great leaders who have served before me, and I hope that my work will lead us into the future, but with an eye on the successes of the past.”

The President, who was elected by a majority of the 13% of the student body who bothered to vote, continued in this manner for some time.

“It is my duty to ensure that all of this great campus is united under a single banner,” he continued to an audience of two Daily Nebraskan writers and one administrator. “Despite our ideological differences, it is our duty to cooperate and speak our minds while working for the greater good of the campus.”

Loosening his tie, the President-Elect continued.

“For too long, dissenting and opposing voices have been stifled and dismissed,” he said to a now empty room. “This will no longer be the norm. In my regime, I pledge that every student will have a voice.”

“East and City campus must be united. Parking must be simplified. Students should have better means to communicate with teachers,” he said in an increasingly passionate voice. “Things will change now! The student body will no longer stand for the mistakes of the past!”

“Finally, despite our differences, I know there is something we can all agree on,” he concluded. “The power of red! Go Big Red! Go Big Red!”

After this chant echoed into the silence of a now darkened chamber, he descended from the podium and thanked a few non-existent well-wishers before returning to his off-campus apartment and appreciating food not made in dining halls.