Tragedy struck yesterday afternoon at Lincoln Children’s Zoo when aggravated tiger trainer Rick Parsley ferociously attacked Sasha, the zoo’s prized tigress and mother of two.
The incident occurred during Sasha’s routine 3:30 p.m. feeding time, which has historically never been problematic for either keeper or cat.
“It was a goddamn bloodbath!” said distraught onlooker Brett Wurtzlich, who was enjoying a day of unsuccessful bonding with his 14-year old son.
According to Wurtzlich and other witnesses, Parsley entered the cage with a slab of mystery meat, a favorite of Sasha’s, but suddenly threw the slab down in vehemence and “pounced” unpredictably onto the innocent creature. What followed, to everyone’s dismay, was a jumble-fuck of clawing, scratching, biting, roundhouse-kicking, judo-chopping, and Mortal Kombat-esque primeval screaming. Parsley’s co-workers rushed to the tiger’s aid and initially began beating Rick with a bamboo rod. When he showed no signs of laying off, they were left with no other choice but to shoot Rick 87 times.
“Normally, all we would have to do if Rick’s behavior began to get erratic was spray him using a water bottle,” recalls Amanda Minos, the colleague who made the brazen decision to pull the trigger(s). “Leading up to the attack, however, I did notice Rick becoming increasingly impervious to the trusty spray bottle’s reprimands.”
While all parties involved are in agreement that the mauling was inconceivably gruesome, what remains unclear is the impetus. In an official statement, zoo president Malcolm Kearns said: “Rick was a wild animal. We have some Instagram pictures illustrating his Saturday night bar-hopping behavior to prove that. The son-of-bitch was a loose cannon, no doubt. Wild animals, as we know, rely on instincts and raw nature. Regardless of how well his hag of a mother claims to have nurtured him, or how hard we here at the Lincoln Children’s Zoo worked to instill proper conduct, the beastly nature within will always triumph in the end.”
Kearns then urged citizens to keep Sasha, who is currently in critical condition, in their thoughts, encouraging them to tweet with the hashtag: #Pray4Sasha.
Jack Thomas, the co-worker who wielded the bamboo rod during Sasha’s courageous rescue, offers a different reason for the Parsley incident.
“I don’t think it was a classic case of an animal randomly deciding to get aggressive, but rather, in some weird way, Rick was directly provoked by the tiger itself.”
Though edgy, Thomas’s hypothesis just may be true, for there is evidence to corroborate it: On September 27th, Rick was quoted by several colleagues as saying. “Every time I look into that damn tiger’s eyes I know its mocking me, probably thinking, ‘Wow, Rick, you pathetic soggy diaper, you. No wonder Maggie took the kids and left.’ Shut up, stupid tiger, shut up!”
Meanwhile, Sasha looks like she will miraculously survive this ordeal. Doctors and volunteer tiger shamans are at Sasha’s bedside, treating the recovery process with diligence and patience.
