In a nail-biting finishing, the Republican party have won the war on Christmas 3-2, after Republican John Boeher scored the game-winning run by passing a bill making the term “Happy Holidays” illegal in all 50 states.
“I’m just so pleased on what this team has accomplished,” a half-smiling Boehner said. “Because of our triumphs, we were able to make a holiday feel isolated from everyone except white Christian male.”
While the Republicans are excited about the win, Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly, believes this victory is historic.
“This triumph will go down as the most important moment in U.S. history,” O’Reilly said.
While the opposing Democrats recover from this loss, many of them are still in the denial stage of recovery process.
“There is no War on Christmas, Fox News made up the term to fill time and spread fear,” said MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow.
At press time, Obama released a statement saying this is “what we get for making them the majority leaders,” and that he will be taking an early Christmas vacation.