John Thompson, self-proclaimed leader of apartment 214B, has once again stepped in front of the living room television set to give his annual state of the apartment address.
“Thank you, thank you so much. Mr Bryant, Mr Campbell, girlfriends, fellow apartment dwellers. Tonight, I celebrate all of you, the inhabitants of this apartment that make it such a great place to come home to (applause),” Thompson’s speech began before highlighting some of the more notable achievements of the past year.
“With the arrival of younger neighbors this year, we have been able to smoke weed without fear of a police call. We have been able to say ‘fuck’ without feeling like we’re disappointing our grandparents, and more importantly, we have been able to go 12 months without someone vomiting on our carpet, a true achievement if there ever was one (applause).”
The speech was not all accomplishments however, as Thompson was also forced to explain some of the more egregious missteps the apartment and its inhabitants had made over the past year.
“Now that most of us have girlfriends, it is high time we stopped leaving dishes in the sink until we run out. Mr Bryant, no more of you having chicken curry every night and leaving the remnants for six weeks, we must start doing out dishes every other evening (applause),” Thompson stated to mostly female applause.
“No more of this cleaning the bathroom every quarter, it must now be a monthly task, and the carpet, my fellow inhabitants, it’s time we shelled out the money for a vacuum (applause). They can’t be that expensive, not if we pool our money together (applause).”
Thompson ended his speech by claiming the apartment would continue to be a “safe haven” for all “free people who wished to spend their evenings killing dudes on Grand Theft Auto V” before sitting down to a final grand applause.