With a black leather jacket, wife- beater and buzz cut, UNL junior engineering major and Sigma Phi Delta fraternity member Craig Wright may appear to exist as the toughest and most rugged species of dude on campus.
“What are you doing, loser? Get the hell outta my way!” growled the supposed creature of pure badass as he shoved past reporters and hapless bystanders, and solemnly yet confidently trotted to the smoking area outside of Andrews Hall.
No matter where students or faculty members happen to come upon the tall, brooding figure of muscle and unmoving personality, Wright can be seen glaring at every person who walks by, flirting at the occasional female that he fancies or asserting physical dominance over weaker specimens. Even in moments where he could possibly show signs of human emotions such as sorrow or consideration for himself and others, the relentless persona of jagged douchiness carries onward.
“Yeah, I have never seen the dude act sympathetic or anything like that at all,” said Wright’s roommate and economics major Dick Brands.
“All he does when he’s back home is listen to heavy metal, smoke pot in the house and occasionally smack my hand with a hammer.”
“What a pompous jackass,” continued the victimized Brands, who explained that because of his scrawnier stature and higher intelligence he had also been subjected to numerous bouts of verbal abuse from Wright, with “not even imaginative” insults such as “Dweebstick” to “Egg-Dick Head.”
Yet, the aggravating poster child of pure testosterone revealed that his supposedly incessantly sick and cruel actions towards others may not totally characterize him.
“You see this,” said the bulky grunt as he lowered his shirt collar, releasing a toxic musk of cologne and alcohol, and displaying a gold necklace with a small Christian cross. “I’m a religious man, yo. Sure, I can act a little mean towards people, but let me tell you without really telling you, since I’m still awesome: This is a symbol for all the bad shit that’s happened in my life. Really, I’m just a misunderstood soul that has a hurt, sensitive side that simply lashes out at people for not fully understanding me.”
Wright, the now suddenly complex and multilayered follower of the Savior Jesus Christ, proceeded to quickly approach a random student, yell out “Are you looking at me funny,” and then tackle him to the ground and started to wallop the living daylights out of the student.
When informed about his assailant’s hidden yet tender personality that deeply cared for God’s children yet could not find a way to show how, after gazing upon the precious necklace that said everything, bloodied and bruised ethnics studies major Cole Ortmeier immediately understood the actions of Wright and figured the violence justified.
“I never knew that he really was a human being. But I guess I was wrong,” said Ortmeier as he let Wright pile-drive him into the sidewalk and spit into his face. “He’s only acting out. We just need to be willing to step back and see Craig as a person and not as an undeniable spawn of Satan and the world’s biggest asshole.”
As Ortmeier told Wright that “he got it,” Craig held a look of shock on his face for a moment before punching Ortmeier in the teeth, and walking away grumbling as he moved his shirt back up.
