Runza Announces Namesake Meal to Start Containing Food

More than three decades after the introduction of its namesake meal, Runza announced late Monday that they would be changing the recipe.

Runza spokesman Robert Jamison explained the company’s reasoning.

“The Runza has long been our most successful product,” said Jamison. “However, a recent change in health laws, and specifically the enforcement of these laws, has necessitated some changes in how this food is prepared.”

Jamison continued to explain that while the old runza was essentially “leftover hamburger wrappings, ketchup packets, and chicken remains from the night before, marinated in leftover condiments for 12 hours and deep fried,” the new Runza will actually contain food.

Starting tomorrow morning, the Runza’s primary ingredient will be USDA-approved beef.

“In addition to this beef,” Jamison continues, “we will also have vegetables grown locally and imported fresh every morning. While our previous policy regarding vegetables was sort of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ this one is apparently more acceptable by law.”

Longtime Runza fan, Lincoln resident Daniel Bright, is outraged by the news.

“Runza used to stand for something,” Bright said. “Now they’ve gone against everything they’ve ever stood for, and frankly destroyed all consumer trust.”

UNL Junior Gregory Stier was similarly upset. When asked for comment, he was able to choke back tears long enough to say, “Why mess with perfection?”

For his part, Jamison said the company simply has to press on.

“None of us are happy about this,” said Jamison. “We hope our loyal customers will continue with us despite this change. At least they can rest assured that our food is still as bad for them as it used to be.”

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