Addressing the press can be a stressful ordeal—especially if your name’s Sean Spicer and your nervous tendencies keep bugging you.
“Just shut your faces for like two minutes,” Spicer yelled at a quiet room of reporters, cramming an entire pack of spearmint Stride into his moist pallet. “I just can’t get this damn cap off!”
Spicer has been trying his darndest to remove the childproof cap off his Xanax for the past 12 minutes, growing more and more frustrated.
As the clock ticked, beads of sweat began to form over his brow and his hands grew ever clammier.
“What is with this shit?!” a frazzled Spicer exclaimed once more. “How many genius kids are running around doped up on Xanies that forced big pharma to clamp down on these bottles!”
The Xanax bottle was capped with the rudimentary “push and turn” system.
Ian C. Read, CEO of Pfizer, producer of the medication, saw this mess unfold on C-SPAN and reached out the press secretary to covertly help him through the embarrassing situation.
Unfortunately for the two of them, in Spicer’s fit he accidently put the phone call on speaker phone.
“Shush now, my spicy tuna roll,” Read said in a calm, reassuring tone. “You must be gentle with the bottle–caress the bottle. Then and only then will your prize burst forth like the little toy inside of a Kinder Surprise Egg.”
“How am I supposed to be GENTLE, when the source of my GENTLE is locked inside of this DAMNED CONTRAPTION!” Spicer yelled to the heavens.
Spicer proceeded to throw his phone into the audience of reporters, foam bursting forth from his mouth and dashed to the notepad jockeys.
“Does anyone know how to get this–THIS THING OFF!” Spicer, now frantically running down the aisles of the press room shoving his bottled medication in the faces of bewildered journalists. “I swear to GOD, I am going to FLIP if this is NOT taken CARE OF!”