State senators place bets on passage of gambling bill

nebraska unicameral legislature

The Nebraska State Legislature is currently a barrage of loose Benjamins and poker chips as all bets are on for a bill that could legalize gambling in the Cornhusker State. Representatives frantically tossed wads of dough and colorful gestures at each other on Thursday as the Capitol building was awash with unintelligible yelling, only punctuated briefly with phrases like, “show me the money!” and, “Come on, momma needs a new pair of shoes!”.

“I’ve been waiting for a chance to throw some racks down and finally make things interesting,” said long-time State Senator Rodney Garrickson of Scottsbluff. “I’ve talked to a few of my colleagues who say they have the fast-track on what’s going down and ‘I’d be crazy to put my money elsewhere'”.

Senator Bill Kinder of Papillion has said in repeated statements regarding his use of tax dollars for the Vegas-esque, winner-take-all test of fate that he does not, “have a gambling problem” and the betting of his $350,000 home was, “certainly not a sign of such nonsense”.

“Anyone who thinks I have an addiction to the amazing thrill of raising the stakes and laying it all on the line is simply incorrect,” he said amid twitchy eye movement and nervous laughter. “I mean, call me crazy, but shouldn’t I as an American be allowed to spend my hard-earned dollars as I please?”

One elected official argued that the entirely tax-funded circus was reflective of the state’s political process.  Senator Pamela Schmidt of Grand Island went on to explain that, “…whether or not this bill gets passed is a toss-up. The entire thing is totally dependent on who’s buying in and what they’re throwing down for. In the end, it’s hard to tell who the real winners or losers are.  You’ve either made the best decision of your life or the worst mistake you could make; much like voting.”

Though the actual vote on the bill won’t take place until next month it appears that the, “yea” votes have a larger pile of chips, fat stacks and gleaming bling grouped in one corner of the senate floor, a possible indicator that the bill will pass. The room turned into total panic, however, when it was announced that there would be a hearing for a bill that would audit the state government next week.