The campus rec is becoming more crowded than usual as people strive to prepare themselves for the best Spring Break ever. Some, however, do not think they need to work in the gym to improve their physique.
“I just need to keep chewing, you know,” junior Adam Jonstonn said as he squeezed another stick of Big Red into his mouth and started another match in Call of Duty. He winced in obvious pain as he forced his jaw up and down. “It’s the greatest test of mind over matter, and it’s all going to be worth it.”
The business administration major has been a 3-pack-a-day chewer since Winter Break to get a jaw that will make the ladies swoon in Miami at the end of March.
“My aunt told me during our family’s Christmas that my gut that I’ve earned in college has allowed me to fill out my frame,” the 245-pound, 6-foot tall student said. “Also, I jammed a finger my senior year of high school playing offensive lineman. There’s just no coming back from that.”
As Jonstonn was absolutely shitting on his fraternity brother in Call of Duty, I caught a side profile of his jaw, and as a completely straight, objective journalist, I must say his routine is paying big dividends. I was mystified by it. As he stared at the television screen, it was as if the jawline and I stood still in time. I gazed, it gazed back. We shared a sly smile, and then the moment was gone.
“I’m telling you, it’s going to catch on,” the junior said. “When I make that trip down south, the ladies won’t even care about how I look below the shoulders when I have such a glorious face.”
Jonstonn has been contacted by multiple fitness publications. “We’ll see if this becomes a big deal,” he said. “It might be worth dropping out if I can devote all my time to truly making a difference in the world.”